The MILF Code

Episode #19 - 50 Shades of No Charlie Hunnam

I had so many opinions about this whole 50 Shades thing I needed an entire Podcast to express them, and express them I did. As a sometime BDSM dabbler, I wanted to bring some nuance to the discussion about this movie i.e. context while others bandy about terms such as "domestic violence" and the idea that all people who practice BDSM are damaged. Uh, no. We go from Story of O, through Anais Nin, to how much hotter the movie would have been with Charlie Hunnam in it (well, I don't actually say that in the podcast, so I'm saying it now.) Mostly, I found the movie to be quite sexually vanilla, and outside of the money-porn aspirational aspect of dating a guy with such a great apartment who can fly you around on his helicopter, I conclude that the biggest turn on in the movie is not at all what you'd think. Also my biggest issues with 50 Shades are also not others people's issues (when are they ever?)  Don't forget, there's a better word for "mommy porn" and that's "porn." Listen to the world's coolest mom talk about 50 Shades, and take from all this what you will, but don't forget to report back. After all, I only watched this movie for you... the least you can do is the same.

Episode #18 - Mishka Shubaly

Mishka Shubaly made me cry. Not because he’s a best selling author of Kindle Singles including “The Long Run,” “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” and most recently “Of Mice and Me.” Not because he’s an ultra-marathon runner and punk rock singer, touring with bands such as The Strokes, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs and comedian Doug Stanhope. Not even because I’ve interviewed him before. But before he makes me cry… We talk about the realities of touring, karma vs. science the origin of his name, and the deepest voice you will ever hear saying, “I’m a little mouse or a little bear,” which leads to a cool story about his ethnic origin (you’ll never guess.) He drops an exclusive bit of news, you have to listen to find out, and then we discuss the drawbacks of having a threesome with Mishka, myself and Amy Dresner. Then at minute 26.16, Mishka starts talking about my writing, how he feels reading it and then something gets in my eye… We talk about our families and how hard it is to let them love us. Eventually we circle back to my first interview question, “When was the last time you thought about suicide?” and discuss what keeps us from “tapping out.” Far from feeling heavy after it all, I get home from interviewing Mishka at 3 a.m. feeling curiously light, “seen,” and though you were not actually there, I’m sure you will feel it too.

Episode #17 - Brody Stevens

Brody Stevens is huge in my mind and heart, and if he isn’t already in yours, he will be. A true original in the comedy world, he was in the first two Hangover movies, and is one of the biggest warm up-guys in L.A. – he was the audience guy on “Chelsea Lately,” and currently on “At Midnight” on Comedy Central. He’s had his own show “Brody Stevens -Enjoy it!” on Comedy Central, and a ton of podcasts, the latest of which is “The Brody Stevens Festival of Friendship.”  Also some appearances on Kroll, the lucky duck. We reminisce about the old days doing shows in Surf Reality and Collective Unconscious in the Lower East Side of New York. Brody also had a well-publicized reaction to stopping medication a few years ago, which he publically shared on Twitter, and we get into a talk about mental health, taking meds, and whether having a sensitive nervous system may just mean you’re an artist and a Jew. Brody played baseball at Arizona State (!) so he is a dichotomy: an athlete who needs a creative outlet. Which leads me to a rant about how people think they know you because of the Internet, and I encourage Brody to do online dating, before offering to take him to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Brody talks honestly about his mom and sister, who were featured on his Comedy Central show, and I commend him on being an exemplary son. He has a strong message for dealing with life (cardio!) especially the etiquette of warm-up, stand-up, managing love relationships and the daily ancillary job of social media. Brody finishes by sharing some personal growth so POSITIVE ENERGY, PUSH and ENJOY IT!

Episode #16 - Ahmed Ahmed

Ahmed Ahmed (the man so nice they named him twice) is an Egyptian American comedian who is HUGE in the Middle East, and pretty big here too. Where ya been? He was on the show “Sullivan and Son,” as well as being featured on Vince Vaughn’s “Wild West of Comedy,” the “Axis of Evil” tour, as well as directing and being featured in the documentary “Just Like Us” about doing stand-up comedy in the Middle East. We meander into conversation starting with weed (living in Venice, he fits right in) then shares genius stories about doing huge comedy tours from the U.S. to Lebanon, and how he got banned from performing publicly in Abu Dhabi (but they never said anything about private gigs!) We also reminisce about one legendary night at the Comedy Store, when Ahmed was doing a set in the Belly Room that almost ended in a racially motivated fistfight, and how he’s learned since then in therapy to “de-escalate.” We also get personal about why he’s attracted to dating “train wrecks,” how it affects him when people hate Arabs, and whether he wants kids. Ladies, get those childbearing hips ready, Ahmed is a warm, charming, Middle Eastern Alpha male who has had some therapy and is not afraid to use it!    

Episode #15 - Ritch Shydner

Alumnus of “The Tonight Show,” “Merv Griffin,” and HBO One Night Stand-up, “Roseanne” staff writer, star of the documentary “I am Comic” and 38 year showbiz veteran, Ritch Shydner likes my intro theme music! We sat down and had a good old-fashioned talk about show business; comedy, aging, recovery, parenting, marriage, depression, medication, and how much, as a woman I can talk about sex onstage. Ritch generously sits down as we try to figure out together how to balance being a person, a comic and a parent without killing yourself! And I’m pretty sure we succeeded, because we’re both still here! (I hope he got home okay.)

Episode #14 - Felicia Michaels

Sweet-voiced and hilarious vixen Felicia Michaels started her comedy career by posing for Playboy and winning Star Search, not necessarily in that order. Now she entertains me in her 1960’s furnished abode. Felicia’s and my life have run somewhat parallel; we both married comedy managers. We discuss the irony of them not wanting to pull any strings to further our careers to preserve their “integrity.” Felicia tells a great story involving hair care, which I won’t ruin here. We discuss the parallels of our early stand-up comedy careers, including showcasing at The Comic Strip during Fleet Week.

 

We compare Comic Strip stories and reminisce about the inimitable Lucien Hold who used to book and run the Comic Strip for many years, and how unusual his criteria was for passing comics. We talk about the challenges of being the “artist” dating a manager and why we both gave up stand-up comedy when we had kids! (We might be twins.) We discuss whether comedians are darker than civilians, and Felicia discusses how she deals with other comedians. Then we move onto how to deal with other moms, I rant about Malibu moms, and that Felicia thinks my blog is outrageous (pretty rich considering her latest album – MILF and Cookies.)

 

We talk about what Letterman means to comedians, and Felicia talks about how she transitioned to being a comic, after an early marriage, and her early career as a stripper in Denver in 1984. It’s a fucking great story, you won’t want to miss it. We talk about career envy, self-doubt and what it was like being a “pretty young comic,” getting gigs for looks vs. merit, and the early Golden Age at the Comedy Store. Also how being a comedian relates to being a felon.

 

Then it’s time to talk about sex. Felicia was one “twisted little chick,” and I’m quoting her so it’s okay. She gets real about men’s attention when she was stripping, and the power from that, and then we get deep y’all.  Felicia talks about her father, I talk about my father, and we get into some psychology, being a mom and having sons. Then segue again into chasing dick, and it’s pros and cons, and when to introduce men to your kids. Somehow we end up talking about Jay Leno, and the limit of how many comics you can fuck as a female comic.

 

I ask her (as I will likely ask all my guests) whether she’s a depressive, and Felicia opens up about her family, who may have been the ones with the issues. And I admit that in my family I’m the one with the issues. Ouch. Felicia and I both crave honesty, but she is less judgmental of other people’s relationships. We talk about the cougar thing, online dating and why we are both aging well and it’s not from sitting outside watching our kids skateboard. We talk about being what it is to be a MILF and how much sex we had in our marriages, which we’ve both discussed elsewhere, but Felicia talks about it all with respect, kindness and empathy, and I put forward my case for polyamory. Then Felicia convinces me go to back to stand-up comedy!!! It’s a Christmas miracle! We talk about Laurie Kilmartin and her incredible work ethic… It’s apparent that I need Felicia Michaels, not just on my show but in my life, and you will too!

 

 

Episode #13 - Ron Jeremy

First Ron Jeremy introduces me to his German porn star/dancer/roommate, then he gets me to kiss her, then he tries to get me to show them both my tit (not happening.) This becomes a recurring theme. I mean has Ron Jeremy not seen enough tits? Then my esteemed guest starts giving me what he says will be a non-sexual massage, but gets too distracted to answer questions. Then he starts tickling me (watch out for sudden volume spikes) and there is a perfect Kafka/Kauffman-esque moment where he is telling me there is nothing wrong with the porn business as I’m getting progressively more grossed out with the “massage” even though I have all my clothes on.  We adjourn to the other room to start talking about MILFs vs. Barely Legal, what his family thinks about porn, and why he never had kids. Also if he ever felt like the “gift” was all he had going for him.

 

Ron Jeremy says he is a “pack-rat” but not a “hoarder” and also admits his biggest addiction (which may or may not surprise you.) He talks about his popularity vs. Jenna Jameson’s (all the while still trying to get me to show him my boob) then about the need for chaperones for rock stars and porn actors, capping it off with a story about a porn star on party drug GHB.  We ascertain that I am kinkier than he is and he calls me “the female Ron Jeremy” which better be a quote for my next book!  Ever wondered if porn stars watch porn? Well here’s your chance to answer that question, plus whether you can fuck your way into a career in Hollywood.

 

We talk about Hollywood roasts and how his life changed after his aortic aneurism in 2012, which leads him to reminisce about ex-girlfriends. We then start Googling Ron’s first ex-girlfriend (she’s in his book), which he’s never done because he has a flip phone and doesn’t go online. We discuss the future of the world is it pertains to being a neo-Luddite, conspiracy theories on 9/11 and then Ron tells me a never before publically shared story about Larry Flynt’s daughter Theresa Flynt. He rounds it out with a harmonica performance, including “Waltzing Matilda,” for my former Australian homeland.

 

Ron Jeremy- Renaissance Man, poet, cocksman, and jester. He is a dichotomy- brash yet insecure, endowed with more than most men, yet needy, a filthy perv who is also a sincerely great friend. Too bad he's never going to see my boobs...